I Didn’t Go to My High School Graduation

I didn’t go to my high school graduation.

Yes, I graduated. But I didn’t walk across the stage, I didn’t stand in the procession and do the slow walk into the arena, I didn’t stand and wait as the row of classmates ahead of my row went up on stage and got their diploma’s. I didn’t shake my administrator’s hand or smile for the photographer before quickly heading off stage.

I didn’t go to my high school graduation because I couldn’t.

My body was in no shape to even attempt walking in a line with people, let alone standing. I went to graduation practice after not having been in school for pretty much the entire year due to my illness, and within five minutes of the whole “Stand here in the hallway and wait, it’ll be good practice for the real thing” ordeal, my body said a big “Heck no!” and I was on the ground.

I was carried through the halls of my high school one last time to discuss with the administrators how I could avoid this whole standing and walking thing and still graduate in the ceremony with my class. There were no ramps for the stage, so I couldn’t use my wheelchair the whole time if I tried to go with that method. The conversation didn’t result in anything I was comfortable with doing, so I left.

I decided that it wasn’t worth the fight. I had ordered my cap and gown already, I even had it! But graduation wasn’t accessible, and this was one last fight I didn’t feel like fighting. After all, I was done.

My high school experience was far from ordinary. By this point in the year, I had fulfilled all academic obligations. I had committed to a college and signed up for orientation. I hadn’t really spoken to anyone from my high school in the time I had spent housebound that year.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had left school a long time ago. I was no longer aware of what was happening amongst students. I didn’t know any of the slang. The few friends I maintained in that time period I was grateful for, but I hadn’t really been up to doing much of anything that year. Most of my friends at this point were people I didn’t even go to school with.

There was nothing exciting to me about graduation, except for the idea of being formally done with high school.

So I left school that day; the day of graduation rehearsal, the second day I had been in school for all of that calendar year – the first was to take my stat final earlier that month. I left and I didn’t look back.

Graduation wasn’t worth it.

It wasn’t worth the energy it would take for me to be present in a loud, hot, and boisterous arena without access to water or medication. It wasn’t worth the recovery time that for me, would have been a lot more than just a couple of days.

I wasn’t connected with my class anymore. I had been through my own high school journey, one that was unrelatable to my classmates.

So why go and celebrate with people I didn’t know? Who I wasn’t in touch with? Why sacrifice my precious energy when I would be needing it for college orientation just a few weeks later?

At the end of the day, I was a bit sad in the moment when I realized on graduation day that I wasn’t taking part in this “Rite of Passage” of the American teenager.

That’s just a natural feeling.

I was “missing out” some may say, but to me, I wasn’t missing out – because it was unrealistic to even think I could have been there, walking and standing alongside my classmates. And I knew that.

So in that sad moment sitting in my living room with my mom, she offered to take my photo in my cap and gown. I said no, but I did take the cap out of the bag, place in on my head, and move the tassel. Which is basically the same thing as graduation but on a smaller scale in a calmer environment where my body could be its dysfunctional self without causing chaos. My dogs were the perfect audience.

In this moment of bittersweetness, knowing I was done with high school and that everyone else was too, I knew I was ready for college.

Probably more ready than most of my classmates, because I had left high school long ago. I wasn’t attached to it like I know a lot of students are, come graduation time. Sure there were really funny moments, really hard moments, people who changed my life and taught me incredible lessons in both life and academia – but I didn’t miss it.

Two years later, writing to you, this holds true. I don’t miss high school. It wasn’t the best four years of my life and guess what – I don’t think college will be either.

If high school wasn’t the best time of your life, think of how much you have to look forward to! Because let’s be real, who wants to peak at 16? Who wants to live the rest of their life knowing their best days were behind them?

I regret nothing about staying home that day.

Not attending my high school graduation ceremony was the best decision I could have made. The second best decision I made was logging out of my social media for two weeks – or at least, the social medias where I could see my classmates.

I stayed off my personal accounts because I didn’t want to subject myself to seeing graduation, post-graduation parties, or what everyone was doing at the beach in the week following graduation. I was in a different place than my classmates, and that was okay.

While I knew I made the right decisions and was happy with them, I didn’t want to chance feeling low about anything when there was actually so much good happening for me. What they were doing was irrelevant. I had my university’s summer orientation to prepare for!

It was time to plan, prep, make lists, and scour all the college blogs for the best tips. High school was over and we needed to make sure I was ready to head to college. I was going to make college work for me.

Spoiler alert: I totally did!

I didn’t need to go to my high school graduation to graduate.

I needed to get through my classes and fulfill my academic obligations to meet the requirements to receive my high school diploma.

And guess what? You don’t need to go to graduation to graduate either.

If graduation is inaccessible and you don’t feel like fighting anymore? That’s okay. If graduation is important to you, then, by all means, go for it! Just remember that if it isn’t, that’s okay.

If there are other things that will soon be demanding your energy and you have to give something up to make it all work? It’s okay if graduation is that thing.

If it doesn’t feel worth the recovery, that’s okay.

Celebrate your graduation in your own way and do what feels right to you. Maybe you just want to nap or maybe you’d rather have a special meal. Maybe you’d rather hang out with your friends after graduation than attend the ceremony itself!

If you want to do something meaningful or fun while your classmates are stuck in uncomfortable folding chairs for hours, go for it.

You know what is best for you.

The end of high school is a lot for anyone, but it can especially be a lot for those trying to juggle the end of year excitement with chronic illness.

Experiencing a wide range of emotions is a natural part of this for some people. If you feel like chronic illness is keeping you on the sidelines and that you’re missing out, remember this: you are not alone, and there is still so much ahead of you no matter which path you take!

Prioritize, listen to your body, and do what feels right for you. And remember, not going to graduation doesn’t mean you can’t have a graduation party!

I’ll be over here cheering you on, no matter what you decide to do.